Your Problem with Communicating
Do you ever have trouble communicating? Have you had a fight with someone you care about? Who hasn’t? It’s as normal as rain in Seattle, but it does not have to be your relationship. In fact, if you don’t change the pattern around you may not have a relationship.
The problem happens when the conversation has shifted from what’s wrong, you’re hurt, sad, frustrated, disappointed or whatever. To who’s wrong, “you’re the problem, you didn’t, or you should have”.
It’s a simple problem of communication to shift, but it’s not always easy to change. Read on, and learn to avoid the Blame Game.
Understanding Your Communication
In 30 years of counseling I have only seen one fight. Alright, the fight focuses on many different issues from leaving socks on the floor, to parenting, and even the pain of infidelity, but the nature or structure of the fight follows the same pattern; blame.
Jake: “Why did you spend so much at the market yesterday? You were $100 dollars over budget.”
Kate: “I didn’t mean too, sometimes I have to get more for the house hold. But, it’s not like I spent $100 or more on a new golf club, like you did last month.”
Jake: “I know you hate it when I do anything fun, because you don’t do anything but spend time with your family. But I told you about the new club, your over spending just goes unchecked.”
Kate: “Really, my bringing our kids to see family is now a problem? Why don’t you spend more time with the kids, instead of going out for hours playing golf?”
Hopefully, this is not a conflict you’ve had. But you should be able to see this conversation is going nowhere good. The original topic has shifted from the family budget to all kinds of side topics such as golf, extended family, time spent with kids, and general implications about who’s good and who’s bad.
This is a classic example of the Blame Game. To shift the topic back on track, the budget, the tone of the communication needs to move from who’s wrong, to what’s wrong. What if Jake tried a different approach?
Jake: “Hey honey, can I ask you about how our budget’s going?”
Kate: “Sure.”
Jake: “The yesterday I paying bills and I came across a receipt to the market. The total took our budgeted amount for food $100 over what we had expected.”
“Because I was not there I don’t know what happened and I was not sure how to handle the shift in spending.” “And to be honest, it made me a little anxious, because I don’t understand where we are with spending.”
“I know you are a much better shopper than I, and I trust you with managing our food spending. I just do know what happened and I am look you to help me know where to adjust our budget.”
Kate: “Oh, I purchased a few cases of canned meat and vegetables at the ‘case lot sale’. It put us over for the week, but we will more than make up for the expense over the next few months. By buying in bulk, I saved us at least $100 over buying the same items individually.”
Jake’s new focus keep the conversation on topic, which was his confusion and anxiety over spending. He got the answers he was looking for and at the same time avoided a fight.
How To
The best way to help stay focused on what’s wrong is to journal and practice what you are going to say. I would suggest writing it out the wrong way first. Be raw and unfiltered, and just vent in a journal. This will help discharge any negative feelings and emotions.
Then go through your issue a second time, but this time keep your eyes on the price, and try and communicate what’s wrong. Stay as neutral as you can as you describe the events and your experience around your concerns. The shift into a brief statement about your feelings surrounding the situation. “I felt mad, sad, and hurt.” Keep the language focused on you, not your partner. Finally, because you are both so well practiced in blame, take a moment to let the other person “off the hook”. Take extra steps to tell your spouse they are not bad, or wrong. But you are simply expressing your upset.
Three Steps
- Explain what happened, in non-judgemental terms.
- Share your feelings, in “I-statements”.
- Take the other person “off-the-hook” and focus the topic off of them and on to your feelings.
Please understand you and your partner have been playing the Blame Game for a long time, so you will most likely have to repeat step three several times, reassuring the other person they aren’t being blamed, you are simple expressing your upset.
For more information you can pick up a copy of You Can Be Right, Or You Can Be Married. There are a ton more exercises and suggestions there as well.
Do you ever have trouble communicating? Have you had a fight with someone you care about? Who hasn’t? It’s as normal as rain in Seattle, but it does not have to be your relationship. In fact, if you don’t change the pattern around you may not have a relationship.
The problem happens when the conversation has shifted from what’s wrong, you’re hurt, sad, frustrated, disappointed or whatever. To who’s wrong, “you’re the problem, you didn’t, or you should have”.
It’s a simple problem of communication to shift, but it’s not always easy to change. Read on, and learn to avoid the Blame Game.
Understanding Your Communication
In 30 years of counseling I have only seen one fight. Alright, the fight focuses on many different issues from leaving socks on the floor, to parenting, and even the pain of infidelity, but the nature or structure of the fight follows the same pattern; blame.
Jake: “Why did you spend so much at the market yesterday? You were $100 dollars over budget.”
Kate: “I didn’t mean too, sometimes I have to get more for the house hold. But, it’s not like I spent $100 or more on a new golf club, like you did last month.”
Jake: “I know you hate it when I do anything fun, because you don’t do anything but spend time with your family. But I told you about the new club, your over spending just goes unchecked.”
Kate: “Really, my bringing our kids to see family is now a problem? Why don’t you spend more time with the kids, instead of going out for hours playing golf?”
Hopefully, this is not a conflict you’ve had. But you should be able to see this conversation is going nowhere good. The original topic has shifted from the family budget to all kinds of side topics such as golf, extended family, time spent with kids, and general implications about who’s good and who’s bad.
This is a classic example of the Blame Game. To shift the topic back on track, the budget, the tone of the communication needs to move from who’s wrong, to what’s wrong. What if Jake tried a different approach?
Jake: “Hey honey, can I ask you about how our budget’s going?”
Kate: “Sure.”
Jake: “The yesterday I paying bills and I came across a receipt to the market. The total took our budgeted amount for food $100 over what we had expected.”
“Because I was not there I don’t know what happened and I was not sure how to handle the shift in spending.” “And to be honest, it made me a little anxious, because I don’t understand where we are with spending.”
“I know you are a much better shopper than I, and I trust you with managing our food spending. I just do know what happened and I am look you to help me know where to adjust our budget.”
Kate: “Oh, I purchased a few cases of canned meat and vegetables at the ‘case lot sale’. It put us over for the week, but we will more than make up for the expense over the next few months. By buying in bulk, I saved us at least $100 over buying the same items individually.”
Jake’s new focus keep the conversation on topic, which was his confusion and anxiety over spending. He got the answers he was looking for and at the same time avoided a fight.
How To
The best way to help stay focused on what’s wrong is to journal and practice what you are going to say. I would suggest writing it out the wrong way first. Be raw and unfiltered, and just vent in a journal. This will help discharge any negative feelings and emotions.
Then go through your issue a second time, but this time keep your eyes on the price, and try and communicate what’s wrong. Stay as neutral as you can as you describe the events and your experience around your concerns. The shift into a brief statement about your feelings surrounding the situation. “I felt mad, sad, and hurt.” Keep the language focused on you, not your partner. Finally, because you are both so well practiced in blame, take a moment to let the other person “off the hook”. Take extra steps to tell your spouse they are not bad, or wrong. But you are simply expressing your upset.
Three Steps
- Explain what happened, in non-judgemental terms.
- Share your feelings, in “I-statements”.
- Take the other person “off-the-hook” and focus the topic off of them and on to your feelings.
Please understand you and your partner have been playing the Blame Game for a long time, so you will most likely have to repeat step three several times, reassuring the other person they aren’t being blamed, you are simple expressing your upset.
For more information you can pick up a copy of You Can Be Right, Or You Can Be Married. There are a ton more exercises and suggestions there as well.