Do you think you understand anxiety and depression? You have been told stories from the medical community for years, so I am guessing you feel clear and confident in your understanding of the origins of your anxiety and depression.
But, what if I told you the stories we have been told only apply to a small part of the population, and for most people, normal people like you and I, it’s not true.
What I want to tell you is, you don’t need to be fixed, you need to be fed. You’re not broken, therefore you don’t need to be fixed. Your emotional pain comes from unmet emotional needs that are seeking to be fed.
As you can hear, today I want to share a novel point of view around what doctor’s call “mental illness”. I want to make this shift in your thinking not because it is helpful to have a more accurate assessment of yourself but it will give you different answers about what needs to be done to address feelings of chronic sadness and fear. If that interests you, stick around.
Hi I am Brett R Williams, Executive Director of the Gathering of Good People. The Gathering, is a 504 (c) 3 nonprofit corporation. Our mission is to provide emotional support to anyone and everyone who wants to grow, be happy, and find success.
Welcome to our podcast called ANXIOUS, we have created it to help you address the anxieties created by this time in our lives.
Today I want to talk about the epistemology of depression. Or in simpler terms I want to look at the story we tell ourselves about depression and anxiety and how your story shapes how you treat it. Personally, I think you need a new story and a new ending that will bring you happiness and success.
Let me start by sharing a story with you.
I was talking to a friend, Ken, just yesterday, and Ken was sharing his concerns for his father. “He’s a man’s man.” Ken tells me.
“And he is completely unwilling to deal with any of his feelings. When I push him to go to counseling, he tells me, ‘I don’t need to talk with anyone I can just talk with you.’” Ken didn’t like this answer because he didn’t feel qualified to help his dad with his depression.
Now, my friend had good reason to be concerned. Ken’s mother, his father’s wife, had killed herself 5 years ago. Ken’s father served in the gulf war, and didn’t see a lot of violence. His father returned from war with all of his men under his command safe and unharmed. But since that time most of the father’s men have committed suicide. Ken’s father was not voicing any thought of self harm, but he was chronically sad, and lonely, and rightly so with the loss of his wife.
The interesting part was that Ken’s father was admitting he had some depression, and he was actually taking an antidepressant prescribed to him by his doctor. But the father was not willing to go to counseling. Why?
The dad did want to talk. He was talking with his son, Ken, and being completely open up and honest about his feelings. So, why would he not see a therapist?
Not sure right? But if I was going to guess, I would think it was because of the stigma of mental illness. People in general do not like seeing a counselor, therapist, or a psychiatrist. Again we can ask the question of why?
Well, as a psychotherapist, I can tell you what I think. Let me start with my job title. Psycho- therapist. Most clinicians prefer to be called a counselor, or therapist because the term “psycho” is attached to being crazy.
We all remember or know the movie “psycho”. It was about a crazy dude who murdered people. If some were to confess “I am seeing a psychotherapist”, they would be admitting they are crazy and need to see a therapist who treats psychos. Who would want to do that? My question is who would want to see a psychotherapist?
The problem is Psychology focuses on pathology. When you see a shrink, another great term for a psychotherapist, you are given a diagnosis, you are labeled with a mental illness. You don’t leave the office without being told how you’re suffering from mental or emotional disorder.
This is the story of your depression and anxiety. It is an illness! You have some kind of chemical imbalance in your brain that’s made you this way. Or maybe you have a deep rooted trauma from your childhood that’s not been addressed. The story is…your depression and anxiety is a symptom of your sickness.
What’s worse, that story sets you up for the wrong treatment. There is another one of those words I hate, treatment. But when you are working with a model that says you are sick, then you will need some kind of treatment.
That old story of being sick means you have to take medications or go through some kind of treatment process, like PSYCHO-therapy.
This is what my friend’s dad was trying to avoid. He already was feeling bad, sad, and lonely. He didn’t want to go to a psychiatrist and be told he is broken. He was trying to avoid his problems, his pain, and they would only force him to focus on his past and the problems he was trying to avoid.
My question is, why would he go to counseling? Why would anyone want to be told their sick. I am sure that my friend’s father got whatever medication he was on from his family doctor, because he sure wasn’t going to see a shrink. His family doc most likely didn’t label him as mentally ill, and therefore the family doc was easier to see.
I wonder why anyone would seek psychiatric treatment? It sounds horrible. It is only our massive pain that forces people into my office. The largest barrier for people seeking help for depression and anxiety is the stigma of being labeled as sick, or mentally ill.
But, what if I told you are not sick. Your medications could help, but will not be the answer. You would benefit from talking with a counselor, that’s because connection and sharing meets a need and not because talk therapy has the power to cure some unseen illness. You wouldn’t need to be “treated”. You need connection and ideas on how you can learn to meet your own needs.
I am not saying medications or therapy is bad, it’s not, it’s very useful. But not for the reasons you have been told from the disease model of mental illness. You are not diseased or ill, you are hungry for unmet needs.
Let me give you a different perspective to make this all come clear. Imagine you just bought an old house, and in the garage you find an old car that’s no longer running. What would you do?
You most likely start taking the car apart and seeing what parts were working and what parts wasn’t. You would be trying to diagnosis all the issues this old vehicle had and needed to be fixed to get it running again.
Notice any similar language or terms? Can you see the basic concept? The car is broken and needs to be fixed. That may sound so normal you are not even sure of any other way of seeing the situation.
But what if on the property you just purchased there was also an old tree. It looked pretty beat up and appeared to be dying. What would you do? Maybe you would get rid of it, but you could never replace something so grand and beautify. So, let’s assume you would want to first try and save it. What would you do?
I would start by bringing over the hose and start giving it some water. I would then go to a nursery and get some nutrients I could add to the soil. Maybe I would trim off the dead branches and give a chance for the live branches to grow.
Notice how our thinking has changed? I don’t see the tree as broken. I see it as struggling because it has been neglected. I would focus on what needs are not being met and see how I could get this old tree what it needed. If it has some disease, I would trust that giving it nutrients and water would help the tree heal itself.
Here’s the core question I want you to consider, how do you see yourself? Are you a thing, an object that needs to be fixed like an old car. Or are you alive, a living creature that suffers but it is because you lack some of your basic needs, like the tree?
Traditional psychology sees you as an object, and your depression and anxiety as is a symptom of some sickness that needs to be fixed.
Growth psychology sees you as alive, whole, and perfect. Where you may be experiencing pain and problems is the result of deficiency in your life. Your pain is a driver to get you to focus on unmet needs. Much like being hungry, thirsty, or tired, your pain pushes you to eat, drink, and sleep.
Depression is also a driver letting you know you are sad and missing someone you loved. Your anxiety, or chronic fear, is telling you that you had an early need for safety that was unmet and it still calls out to you to learn to create safety in your life.
Creating connection with those you love, waters the feelings of sadness. Connections creates consistency and builds an internal sense of control. In other words, connection feeds your need for safety. By addressing your core needs you feel better, not because you were ever broken, but because your symptoms were simply calling you to care for yourself.
Growth psychology sees people NOT as a problem to be solved or fixed. People are living beings with needs. And if our human needs go unmet it causes us pain and suffering. But the answer is self care not medication or treatment.
According to our growth model your needs change as you grow. A baby, a teen, and an adult all have different needs. And when a need from an earlier stage is not addressed it will hamper your ability to grow. This is where your depression and anxiety comes from.
Pills will not cure the unmet needs of childhood. Instead what needs to happen is that you need to understand what your emotions are wanting and learn new ways to grow and to care for those needs.
There are 7 human needs that change as you move through the 7 stages of life. Our Growth Groups look to help anyone and everyone who needs emotional support to see these needs and learn new ways to address what appears to be missing for you.
To learn more about this novel way of seeing your depression and anxiety I would encourage you to check out some of the content we have at the GatherOfGoodPeople.com. We call this section or our website, “Learn and Grow”. This content section has blogs, vlogs, and podcasts to help you learn and grow.
But if you are looking for real change we would encourage you to check our Growth Groups. You will find them in the Gather and Grow section of our website way to connect with people, either through our Growth Groups or our community forum.
And finally, if you are seeking serious growth, you can look at our courses and resources page. In the section of our site we provide for what you need to create Intensive Growth.