Are you seeing the news? What a crazy world with all the violence and protests going on across America.
What’s happening? Our anxiety, around these uncertain times, is coming out in anger.
George Floyd’s death has triggered off a series of protests across the nation. I agree with the message, that such police brutality is wrong, and it’s wrong that it happens all too often with Caucasian officers and African American men. It was heartbreaking and horrifying to watch Floyd beg for a breath of air while the officer kept his foot on Floyd’s neck. I understand the protests. I can feel the open wound of racism in this country. We need to stop the police brutality against our African American brothers. However, I don’t support the violence and looting. This is not what we learned from Martin Luther King Jr.
My question is why? Why now? There have been too many African Americans killed by White officers. Stephon Clark, Alton Sterling, Philando Castile, Walter Scott, Eric Harris, Tony Robinson, Rumain Brisbon, and Laquan McDonald to just name a few. There were some protests with each of them as well, but the anger now is more violent than before. What’s different?
Today our stock markets are crashing, unemployment has spiked, and we are dealing with a worldwide pandemic. That’s what’s different.
Our world is out of control, and as a result, we are seeing our emotions out of control. I would like to offer up some understanding of what and why things are so extreme, and even more I will present some suggestions and solutions.
We have created this new series called ANXIOUS, to address the anxieties that have been created by the corona virus.
This morning’s gathering started with lots of tension and stress. The riots that have been taking place across the US had spilled over into Salt Lake City. Police cars were turned over and property was being vandalized.
One woman shared being startled by alarms going off on her phone and computer. These were public service announcements that the city was placed on a curfew from 8 PM till 6 AM for the next few days.
“Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, they do.” Shared another woman at the gathering.
The anxiety being felt by those in the group was high.
Well, as part of the check-in Mitch, a guy from our gathering, shared that he had just blown-up at the kid who was mowing his lawn. That morning he had gotten a Venmo pay request for last Friday when the kid took care of his lawn.
“Now typically, I give this guy a tip along with the normal amount agreed upon for his services,” Mitch said.
“I couldn’t believe I was being billed for the tip, that was always extra and not something I was obligated to pay,” Mitch shared his frustration.
After Mitch went off on the lawn-care kid, he shared with his adult daughter what had happened. Mitch’s daughter let her dad know, something he didn’t think about. “Dad, you can’t overpay on Venmo. Maybe the guy just didn’t want to lose the tips you had been giving?”
At that point, Mitch realized he had blown this situation out of proportion and humbly apologized to the kid doing the lawn.
What I pointed out to Mitch was the anxiety and anger often go together. Anxiety is fear, and fear triggers us into FIGHT or flight. Most people think of fear as moving us into retreat, but it could just as easily carry you into an attack mode.
“Yeah, I have been feeling a lot of anxiety for months, but with the added tension in the world my anxiety has been spiking,” Mitch acknowledged.
Have you heard the idea that anger is a secondary feeling? Typically, there is something else underlying our feelings of anger, so deeper, more vulnerable feeling.
Fear, sadness, love, and happiness are the basic emotions. Anger is not one of them, not because anger is not a core feeling, but because it typically is triggered off by a deeper emotion. When I am afraid I need to protect myself. Anger is a protective feeling. It puts me into a fight mode which allows me to defend or protect.
All around us we are feeling anxiety with Covid-19, the stock market crashing, rising unemployment and having to social distance. Those feelings for some of us are being channeled into anger.
Look how mad people are about “having” to social distance. Some are in a rage about being told to wear a mask. It is hard to quarantine, and our lives are being disrupted, but the anger we are seeing in these and other protests are coming from a place of FEAR.
Anxiety is a powerless feeling, but anger is powerful. Yelling, hitting, and fighting give us the sense we can do something. We can’t fight the virus, but we can attack the media, any authorities that tell us what to do. Now with another African American being killed, we have an enemy we can attack. Or maybe you can attack the people who are rioting and the cycle continues.
The problem here is that anger is a secondary emotion. After yelling at a friend, or even a stranger, you don’t walk away feeling better, you feel worse. Typically, moving energy creates flow, which helps us to feel better.
Go on a walk, have a good cry, sit and journal for a while, and all these activities help you to feel better. But not so with anger.
That’s because the core emotion has not been released. The root fear is still there feeding and fueling the anger. Angry people are not less angry after beating someone up. If that were true fighters would be the most peaceful people on the planet. They are not. Anger generates more anger.
The answer is to get to the core emotion, and I am going to guess it’s our fear. It could also be a little sadness as we watch our world change forever.
I am sad to watch a man die for no reason. I am sad when someone hurts another person, for what looks like no reason. I am sad when the justice system does not work for everyone, and one group of people is treated harshly or criminally. That’s wrong.
But mostly I am scared. I am scared as I watch hate, anger, and violence divide us. We need each other. These times are hard and I wish we could help each other and not hurt each other.
To create the shift we need, we all need to be vulnerable. We need to feel past anger and into the weakness that our fear and sadness brings. It is going to take courage to face our pain and then share it with one another.
The second stage of the grieving process is ANGER. We need to grieve but not allow ourselves to become stuck, or let the grief create more pain for others.
My homework for you is to allow yourself to feel your deeper feelings. Ask yourself, “Am I feeling fear or sorrow?” and then allow yourself the space and time to express those feelings. Anger only creates more collapse, but when we express our core emotions it shifts those feelings into flow.
Every day this week sit down and journal. Ask yourself that question and allow your feelings to flow.
I am sorry that George Floyd died. When any of us die from violence or from a virus it’s wrong and it hurts us all. So I want to grieve for all those who have died and from those who had to say goodbye. To date, 365,000 people have died from this new virus. For all of you, I grieve.
How is the anger in our society affecting you?
What do you think is driving the anger in the world?
Do you get mad when you really feel sad or afraid?