Over the last few months have you noticed any changes in your relationship?
These have been anxious and difficult times. And when we are stressed we either pull together or we pull apart.
All of us have only so much emotional resources. When stressful situations like what is happening with Covid-19, civil unrest, unemployment problems, and economic problems or all the above, arises it takes a toll on all of us.
The concept is called EGO DEPLETION. It comes from Danial Segil, and we are going to expand it to our relationships as well. Coping with some or all these issues creates a drain and depletes us personally, but also relationally.
When you or your spouse is overwhelmed and our energy needs to be conserved, where does that energy come from.
Well, if you have kids, it can’t be taken away from them, because they will not let that happen. The squeaky wheel always gets the grease. And if you work, at home or outside the home, our jobs take precedence.
We often deal with demanding times by taking from ourselves and sadly from our relationship. That’s when, instead of pulling together, we pull apart.
Today I want to talk about what to do when your relationship is being pulled apart by all the stress and anxiety of life.
We have created this new series called ANXIOUS, to address the anxieties that have been created by the corona virus and the stress of life.
The other day I had a husband, from one of the couples I see, text me. “Thanks for all you did for us, I appreciated how much you have supported our marriage, but it seems it’s not going to work, Kate wants a divorce. She says she can’t deal with the problems any longer.”
Wow, not the kind of message I wanted to see on a Saturday morning. I texted back and asked “what’s going on?”
Jake shared they had a huge fight and she wanted a divorce. Well, I know they were on vacation, so I texted back, “Well, that I am sure is making you Powell trip a little accuward.”
And he wrote back, “For sure.”
I told him to not give up and I would talk with them when they got back.
When they returned things were a little better, she was not asking for a divorce, but the couple were a mess. All their skills were gone. She was blaming and shaming and he was reacting, defending, and attacking.
What needed to happen? Did we need to go over all the old fights and rehash all their problems. No, all those issues were discussed, what had happened is that they had forgotten that they loved each other. What was going on was not a communication problem but a relationship/memory problem, they forgot to feed their relationship.
They forgot how much they loved each other. They forgot to ASSUME LOVE.
Instead, what they were remembering was all the negative. She was reliving all the past of the last 10 years. And he was also stuck in the past reliving the conflicts that they had more recently over come.
I interrupted the conflict and interjected. And pointed out the truth of the moment. “What’s changed? A month ago you were feeling connected and close. The relationship was moving forward and here we are again, why?
“I just can’t let go of how he’s been treating me?”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Had he been neglecting and ignoring you again? I thought you two were on a vacation when this meltdown happened?”
Kate replied, “I am still hurt from all the years he was not there and I am not sure he won’t go backwards. He’s changed before and then went back to his old ways.”
“So you want to hold on to the past because you are worried about the future?” I simply reflected back to her.
There was silence in the room. “I think you two are tired, stressed, and overwhelmed.” And the relationship is suffering because you are suffering.
There is a strange thing that happens when people get stressed. All their good habits go out the window. As problems mount we cut back on the very thing that we need. We stop exercising, or don’t sleep as much, or maybe start to eat more fast food because it’s easier.
The same thing happens in our relationships. When people get married they tend to treat their spouse the same way they treat themselves. If you drive yourself with anger and stress, you will find yourself stressing out on your spouse.
As you stop taking care of yourself, due to all the stress or anxiety of life, you will find you will at the same time start to neglect and stress out on your spouse.
That’s what was happening with my couple. I got the text about them getting divorced on the first day of their trip. Believe it or not going on vacation can actually be stressful. But by the end thing were a little better, because they did spend time together and started to reconnect.
In our session, I told them exactly what I believed. “You forget how much you loved each other, and because of the stress and anxiety of life you started to only focus on what you were angry about from the past.”
One of the three principles we preach at our gatherings is “you are what you meditate upon.” And we needed to shift where the two of them are focusing.
To break the mood and shift their attention I gave them both a 3X5 card and asked them to right on the front their favorite memories in the relationship. And on the back I had them list out as many things they could think of that they loved about the other person.
I gave them way too much time to write. I even left the room for a moment to fill my glass and get some water. I wanted them to really dwell on those positive concepts. I told them if they needed they would walk around as well.
The goal was to get them meditating on the positive. Not simply for a second or two, but a while. The longer and stronger you meditate on an idea, good or bad the stronger it becomes.
But this couldn’t be a homework assignment, because they would have never done it without the pressure of being in my office.
Once they did, I asked them to share them. They had to take turns, each sharing a positive and then the other would respond, and also share one of their positives. By alternating it slowed the process down even more and forced them to switch from listener to speaker and back again. This kept their attention maximized.
Adding to their situation I asked them to look into each other’s eyes as they shared their thoughts and feelings. I probably should have asked them to be touching at the same time, but I figured I would be pushing my luck at that point.
Any guesses what happened? Yeah, by the end of their sharing both were feeling connected. Nothing changed, but what they were meditating upon, which in this case was each other.
Now guess what your homework assignment is this week? Yep, I want you to focus on someone you love, and I hope it’s your intimate, but if you don’t have a significant partner, then focus on someone you care about.
Write out your favorite memory and what you love about them. Then write them a letter, preferably by hand, and mail it to them.